Rainbow Baby

Austen turns six months old today!  He is 14.8 pounds...not up much from his 11+ pounds at birth!  He has two bottom teeth, is sitting up and army crawling.  He had his first taste of food tonight with an organic avocado.  He was not a fan and has a great gag reflex!  :)  He is such pure joy!  He is my Rainbow Baby (see definition below) and I love him so very much!




Rainbow Baby:  typically referring to a baby born after the loss of a previous pregnancy or the death of a child. Rainbow Babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

Toofy!

Austen got his first tooth today on the bottom right!  He was only mildly fussy, nothing a few Hyland's Teething Tablets couldn't help!  I sure do hope he continues to be a good teether like Chloe was, Tucker always, always spiked huge fevers when he would get teeth and it was not fun at all!

Here Comes the Sun

It is soooo hot this week!!!!  It is supposed to be over 100 every day this week, ugh!  I am NOT a hot weather girl, I much prefer spring and fall but I am very thankful I am not pregnant this summer (sorry, Jill!)!  I feel for all the pregnant mommas this time of year! 

I am slowly getting out of my funk.  I think a lot of my mood change is due to finally reading Kelle Hampton's book, Bloom.  Gosh, I love that lady and her blog.  I admit, I used to rely on negativity and sarcasm as my way of life but have really turned that around since becoming a mom and Kelle's blog has been a huge part of my more positive outlook.  It takes effort to find the positive in things, especially when you feel like you can't catch a break, but the positive is there if you are willing to open your eyes and find it.  And with that, I am moving forward with my chin up and a smile on my face! 

And to kick off my new attitude, let's do a catch up of my beautiful children!

Capturing his beautiful auburn hair before his summer buzz cut

 Tucker has really been developing his imagination lately.  He loves for me to "announce" him and describe the obstacle course of his choosing as if we are doing a play-by-play sporting event.  He loves riding his bike, collecting (and accidentally killing) bugs of all kinds, is slightly obsessed with Spiderman, and loves to go to Grammie and Papa's house.  He has started to have some more food issues in addition to the intolerance to food dyes.  I am feeling hopeful of the track I'm on with identifying his triggers though and look forward to the day that we are done with them! 

My kitty girl

 Chloe continues to be full of sass and sweetness.  She loves to play Mommy and Baby.  She loves to be held and will look up at me with her big brown eyes and designate me as the Mommy <insert any animal you can think of here> and she is the Baby.  As evidenced by her picture, she asks to be a kitty almost every day and she wants a kitty birthday party this year.  Lest I forget, she puked in the peanut bucket at my birthday celebration at Texas Roadhouse last month!  I really need to be better about writing about all of their funny stories because I know I am forgetting soooo much!  She is a September 2nd baby so she misses the preschool start date by one day.  They said I could go ahead and start her if I wanted but I decided not to.  I don't want all of her friends to move on to kindergarten in a couple years when she would be left behind.  It seems much more kind to start her with the class she will graduate with even though she will be one of the oldest in her class.

Mr. Bright Eyes

Sweet Austen is just that, sweet as can be!  He is just happy as a clam and has the most intoxicating smile!  I actually get butterflies in my tummy when he smiles at me sometimes!  He is rolling over both ways and is starting to put his knees underneath him.  He is not quite ready to sit on his own yet but I don't think it will be much longer.  He is also about to get his first tooth, I can feel it under his gums.  Tucker and Chloe love him so much and they are so great with him!  He laughs easily and has the biggest blue eyes, just like his Daddy!   I so hope he keeps them!  He has really thinned out and I think he's around 15 pounds, wearing 3-6 & 6-9 month clothes. 

Let It Shine or Let It Go?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. " 

- Marianne Williamson

I had a friend on Facebook post the above quote today and something about it really resonated with me.  


Since moving to our new town almost a year ago, I have found myself "shrinking" my personality down in order to make friends.  Now, don't get me wrong...I am definitely not an extrovert pretending to be an introvert.  I am, and will always be an introvert.  But I have found myself staying quiet during conversations that involve things I'm passionate about (pregnancy, labor, childbirth, breastfeeding, childhood nutrition, etc).  Conversations that if I was having them with friends or family, I would be very animated and outspoken, yet among strangers I remain silent.  I hate that feeling.  I hate walking away from something with the feeling that if I just would have spoken up, I could have helped someone think outside the box. 


I am so afraid of stepping on toes that I am not being my authentic self.  What is the right balance?  Or is there a right balance as long as what you speak is your truth and if people don't like it, they don't have to?  I am really struggling with this because I feel like on some level I have to choose one or the other.  


I am still having a lot of negative self talk regarding my whole "Turd in the Punchbowl" post.  I still think about it every day and if I let it, it can still make me cry. I bared my soul with my birth post, shared a very intimate experience with my readers and I was attacked on a personal level because of it.  I really do feel like a huge bucket of water was thrown on my flame and I guess I'm trying to figure out if the flame can be reignited. 

Breaking the Girl

As any mom knows, once you cross that threshold of becoming a mom, you never really, truly get any time to yourself.  This includes trips to the toilet and showering. 

Especially trips to the toilet and showering.

I generally shower at night in order to afford myself a nice long shower without interruptions but today I decided to take a mid-morning shower since it was the weekend and Ryan was available to oversee the childhood shenanigans. 

Not only did I want to take a shower that would last more than five minutes, I wanted the door to be shut so I could get the bathroom nice and hot, (as my usual day shower is spent with the door wide open and me sticking my sudsy head out repeatedly checking for baby cries) I also wanted the door to be locked so I, for once, didn't have little heads popping into the curtain or little ones' poops distracting from my buttercream scented bodywash . 

No sooner than I had started the hot water, undressed and was ready to get in, there was a knock on the door.  I answered and it was Chloe, needing to potty.  I was irritated, as it seems that without fail, as soon as my shower water is started, it imparts a laxative effect on one or both of the older kids' colons and my showers are spent having deep conversations while the kids pinch a loaf.  I was, admittedly, a little snippish with her, helped her potty and then scooted her booty out the door, locking it behind her. 

I took my shower and got out about 15 minutes later.  When I was combing my hair, Chloe came up to me and told me I hurt her feelings.  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I brushed it off, clipped a barrette in her hair and we went about our day. 

Later in the day, we were driving in the car and Ryan told me what happened while I was in the shower. 

He found Chloe in her closet, in the dark.  She was sobbing.  I had hurt her feelings by being short with her and locking her out of the bathroom.  My heart broke into a million pieces!  My poor, sweet baby girl!  Something I didn't even recall had completely crushed her!  I felt like a piece of crap, to say the very least! 

I tried making it up to her later with extra hugs and affection but I feel like it is too late.  She was sobbing in the dark in her closet because of ME and my selfishness of wanting to be alone.  I have never claimed to be a perfect parent, a perfect parent does not even exist, it's not even in the realm of possibilities.  But I do try and today I failed.  Miserably.  :(

Scratch That

Well, I gave it a try, but Simeon's Protocol (the hCG diet) just isn't going to work for me while I'm nursing full time (have I mentioned that Austen still has not taken a bottle?  He is such a stinker!).

I think my milk supply was probably fine, he seemed satisfied but I was seriously craving protein and fat!  I just need to listen to my body and come to accept that the weight loss (for now) will have to be slow.  I am going back to a low carb/Paleo type of eating but I am going to keep an eye on my calories.  I'm not going to "count" calories, but I have a tendency to use an obscene amount of heavy cream in my coffee so I will make sure I don't go overboard on things like that. 

The good news is that I did lose my "load" weight so I'm not carrying that over with me.  I am very much looking forward to eating a normal amount of food tomorrow! 

Mojo

Since having Austen (how is he nearly four months old already????), I seem to have lost my mojo.  Before finding out I was pregnant with him, I was on the tail-end of losing a large amount of weight and was closing in on my goal.  Now.....er, not so much.  I gained entirely too much during my pregnancy with him and despite breastfeeding, I am still up thirty pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight.  Ugh.  Not a good feeling when none of your clothes fit right and the scale is not moving in the right direction, if at all! 

So, what's a girl to do?  For one, I need to stop making excuses.  I know how to eat clean and the fact is, I am extremely hit and miss on this lately.  I will go a few weeks doing a great job and then the craving monster will visit and I will eat horribly for a week.  Secondly, I need to exercise.  As much as I would love to say that "breastfeeding is like having a treadmill strapped to my chest" like I've heard others say, that is not, and has never been, the case for me.  I am just not one of the lucky ones who drop weight simply by nursing. 

I have decided that Austen is old enough now to go back to what worked for me a year ago.  (You can read about it here on my "old" blog).  When I first started doing the hcg diet, I was nursing a 10 month old Chloe so I am confident that 21 days of a restrictive diet will not impact our nursing relationship.  It should go without saying (but I will say it anyways) that if I notice a lack of milk supply, I will immediately stop my round as Austen is my #1 priority. 

Because this program is very restrictive, one of the things I stress the most to our clients is to check the calendar and make sure there are no social commitments during a round.  Planning is the key to success with this!  My 34th birthday is May 26th so I have decided that will be my first day (the first two days on this plan is to eat like a pig so it will be perfect timing!).  I plan on doing 2 rounds over the summer month and then re-evaluating my goals.  Stay tuned!