Austen's Story Part IV: A Million Miles

"It is always the simple things that change our lives."  

Donald Miller

My mom arrived about five minutes after Austen was born, she had gotten lost because she had never driven to our place in the dark before. She later told me that she’s glad she got lost because she thinks she would have been way too anxious and would have freaked out. One of the first things she said was, “he’s BIG!” He definitely looked big to me, but no bigger than Tucker was and we made guesses as to what he would weigh.



Ryan’s biggest fear in all of this was that I would hemorrhage and he would lose me. The birth pool water was now blood tinged and he was showing and expressing concern. I insisted I was fine and explained that it looked worse than it was just because of the dilution of blood in the water. I was cramping intensely so I knew my uterus was working on detaching the placenta. I don’t remember the pain of that from Chloe’s birth! I actually had to breathe through the cramps as we talked about the logistics of getting me out of the water and into the bedroom to deliver the placenta.




With Ryan, Jill, and my mom’s help, I moved into our bedroom to snuggle with my boy while I waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsating. While I relaxed in bed and nursed Austen, the others were busy cleaning up the birth pool and tended to me as needed. I was so thirsty after the birth, I’m pretty sure I drank about ten glasses of water in an hour’s time! Ryan was still concerned about hemorrhage, even though I was bleeding very minimally so I took a dose of Shepherd’s Purse, which is an herb that helps the uterus contract and minimize bleeding. I took it just to give him peace of mind, I definitely didn’t need it. About thirty minutes after the birth, the placenta detached and I had instant pain relief once it was out. Once the cord stopped pulsating, we tied it off with sterile gauze and Ryan cut the cord with sterilized scissors.

Tying off the cord

Looking at the placenta

My mom cleaning the cut end of the cord

Now that Austen had nursed and he was separate from me, I handed him over so people could hold him while I cleaned up a bit. Once I was presentable, I went into the living room to find my dad had arrived. I sat in the recliner and visited a bit until we decided it was time to weigh and measure him. I had guessed he would be 9lbs. 6ozs. Imagine my shock when the scale was reading over eleven pounds! We decided the scale must be wrong and we would see what he weighed at the doctor the next day, but we were guessing he was probably around ten pounds.

Papa meeting Austen

Measuring him up

My parents and Jill left shortly after and we called my in-laws to come over so Austen could meet his other grandparents and his big brother and big sister, but first we had to tell them what we had done. Ryan started the conversation with, “don’t freak out, everyone is fine, but we had the baby at home.” I’m not sure if they freaked out or not, if they did, they did a great job of concealing it when they arrived. Tucker and Chloe were quite enamored with Austen but they were tired so they didn’t stay long.



I decided I would try to get some rest in the recliner; Austen was nursing almost constantly so I just reclined back and got very broken sleep, probably about two hours’ worth. First thing in the morning, I called our doctor’s office to schedule an appointment for Austen to be examined, just to make sure everything was okay. I was able to get him an appointment at 11am and I had my 41 week appointment at the obstetrician’s office at 1pm. I wanted to keep that appointment to just to make sure I was okay, as well.



We arrived for Austen’s appointment and found out that, yes indeed, he was probably over eleven pounds at birth because fifteen hours after his arrival, he was weighing in at 10lbs. 14ozs.!!! I was floored and just could not believe it! He checked out just perfectly and we were sent on our way!

He weighs how much?!

We grabbed some lunch and then headed to my appointment at the obstetrician’s office. Since my doctor was out of town, I was scheduled with a doctor I had never met before and I was very nervous about how she would react to our situation. I knew nothing about her personality or professional reputation. We walked in and as I headed to the restroom, I asked Ryan to check me in and let the front desk know that we had the baby at home and we needed to change my visit from a prenatal appointment to a postpartum checkup. Their reactions were hysterical! They were so shocked to hear I had him at home and even more shocked when I told them how much he weighed! The nurses decided that they should rename me Caroline Ingalls!




The doctor came in and she couldn’t have been nicer to me! I really liked her and felt comfortable immediately. She examined me and determined that there was no repair needed (my body is amazing, if I do say so myself!). She then examined my placenta, which was hysterical! She had her gloves on and picked it up out of the bowl and paused. Finally she said, “Um, they aren’t normally cold.” We all had a good laugh and then she paused again and I could tell she was trying to carefully choose her words so she didn’t stick her foot in her mouth. I knew what she was thinking so I said, “if you don’t have a way to dispose of it, we can just take it back home; we have some land and we can bury it or something.” There was a look of relief on her face, she said they didn’t have a biohazard container appropriate for it, so we brought it home with us where it is currently living in our freezer (you can stop dry heaving now, it’s not like it’s touching our food!). Some people eat their placenta, some people encapsulate it and take it as a nutritional supplement; I think we will probably plant it underneath a tree this spring as we really don’t know what else to do with it.



And there you have it, Austen’s birth story from beginning to end. This was life-changing for me; I have never relied so much on my faith in God and myself.  I was left feeling empowered to do just about anything I desire.   I read a book over a year ago entitled A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. The book is about living an extraordinary life and living your life as if it is a screenplay. Write yourself a script that forces change and evolution within yourself.  This birth changed me, however, it was certainly not my last chapter; there are many, many more adventures to be had.  I am only just beginning to write…

Austen's Story Part III: Amazing Grace

"I am not afraid, I was born to do this."
~Joan of Arc

Friday (the last day my obstetrician would be available to me) came and went and there were no signs of labor. I knew I was having a big baby from the way I felt physically. I had never been “overdue” before and the baby’s potential size was at the forefront of my mind, as babies gain about an ounce per day in late pregnancy. I was really being tested in the last few days of pregnancy, more prodromal labor and more desperation in my mood and demeanor. Ryan and I discussed how overdue I was willing to go before the whole home birth plan was scrapped. We wanted a healthy mom and baby above anything else and given my history of large babies (Tucker was 9lbs 4ozs, Chloe was 8lbs, 1oz), I knew I was in for a whopper of a kid! We decided that 40 weeks, 5 days was the deadline for a home birth; after that I would go to the birth center. I struggled internally with that decision because I felt like that meant I was not fully trusting God.



The morning of Monday, January 23rd (which just so happened to be when I was 40 weeks, 5 days…divine intervention, much?), I sent my mom and sister a text that read, “Who wants to distract me today?” to which my sister promptly called and said that she and her girls would come over to play. I was relieved to have visitors, a bit of distraction was going to do a great deal of good for my spirit. Soon after I hung up the phone with her, I went to the restroom and was surprised and thrilled to see some bloody show. I knew that meant labor could be anywhere from a few hours to a few days away, but I was encouraged to see something going on!



Jill, Emma and Cora visited for a couple of hours and left just after lunch. Tucker, Chloe and I all took a short afternoon nap and then continued with a nice, quiet afternoon at home. I was talking to my mom on the phone around 3:15pm when I had a fairly strong contraction and I felt a gush during it. I was sitting down at the time so I think my water must have broken. I am still very unsure of when that actually happened since I never felt a pop. I didn’t say anything to her, but quickly got off of the phone to see if I was going to have another.



Several minutes later, I had another contraction that was somewhat intense for early labor. I decided to call my mother-in-law to come pick up Tucker and Chloe, as I knew solitude was my best bet to getting into a good labor pattern. I was pretty sure “this was it” and needed time to get the house ready for the birth. When my mother-in-law picked the kids up, she warned me not to wait too long to go to the hospital since third babies can come quickly. I had to giggle at that, oh if she only knew what was about to happen! I also called Ryan and Jill and told them that I thought tonight was finally the night.



Once alone, I did some light cleaning and started setting up the birth tub and other supplies. There was quite a bit of set up since there was really no way to predict where I would be most comfortable giving birth. I was planning a water birth with an inflatable birth pool, but I needed to set up other areas just in case the water didn’t feel right in the moment.

Birth Supplies

I layered our bed with a set of clean sheets, followed by a shower curtain, followed by another set of sheets so clean up would be quick and easy. I also put a layer of Chux pads (absorbent sheets often used for incontinent adults) on the bed. Jill was bringing a space heater to make my room nice and toasty warm. I also put some Chux pads on the bathroom floor; for Chloe’s labor I was most comfortable laboring on the toilet so it was quite possible that baby could have been born in the bathroom. I started inflating the birth pool, threw some clean towels and blankets in the dryer (for warm towels after the birth) all the while having regular and increasingly intense contractions.



It was about 4:30 when Ryan made it home from work, which is also about the time I called Jill and told her to plan on coming over around 7pm unless she heard from me again. Ryan needed to take a shower and wanted to run to Subway to get some dinner. I have a history of fairly long labors so I can’t really blame him for wanting to eat but I told him to hurry as I had a feeling this labor was going to be fast. I just could not wrap my head around how intense things already were, just an hour into the labor! Ryan got home from Subway around 5:30 and brought me a bowl of soup, which I sat down and ate between contractions. Ryan ate his dinner and started filling the birth pool. The contractions were picking up in intensity and I could no longer walk or talk during them. At this point, around 6pm, I called Jill and told her to go ahead and come over as soon as she could instead of waiting until 7, this baby was coming!



I continued to labor, leaning onto Ryan during contractions. It was amazing to me how intense the contractions were when they started and how quickly they were coming. I was also so much more aware of the baby’s movements for this labor. Perhaps it was because nobody was monitoring me so it was up to me to pay attention to him to make sure he was okay and tolerating labor. He was very active during labor, kicking me sharply in the ribs, taking my breath away several times!



Jill arrived around 7pm when I was ready to get into the water. I was recognizing that I was in transition, as my mood was very focused and serious. I told her to go ahead and call my mom, which was a surprise to my mom. Prior to labor, I was unsure of how I was going to feel about adding another person to the mix so I had not shared with her that she may be invited, it was a total surprise to her that she was going to see the birth of her grandson. I just didn’t want to tell her ahead of time in case I changed my mind…I figured it was better to be surprised than to be disappointed.

Inflatable Birth Pool

I got into the pool and the contractions really picked up, lasting about two and a half minutes each and often coming back to back. I was honestly a little disappointed that the water did not help with the pain of the contractions like I had hoped, but it did feel good to be in the water. I was listening intently to my birth playlist (turn up your volume if you want to hear my playlist), which was playing carefully selected songs that brought me calm, peace, and encouragement. I was nearly silent during labor, breathing in and breathing out. Breathing my baby down, focusing on bringing him into the perfect position to meet his Mommy and Daddy. Ryan told me at one point that he couldn’t tell when I was having a contraction and when I wasn’t; I was calm, I was quiet, I was focused. I whispered that he just needed to listen to my breath, when I was breathing hard, I was contracting and when I was breathing slowly, I wasn’t. I know it was hard for him, but I did not want to be touched during this labor, I truly did want to just be left alone to do what I needed to do without any distraction.

Breathing during transition

He was so calm and encouraging, my rock!

I felt the contractions change from dilating contractions to pushing contractions and I knew it was time to push. I am not a big believer in pushing hard to get baby out so I just listened to my body and gave gentle pushes only when I felt an urge for several minutes. I was secretly wondering if I was indeed fully dilated…it was such a weird feeling to not have someone tell me it was okay to push. I decided to reach down to see if I could feel the baby’s head. I could feel his head and continued to gently breathe him down, giving short, gentle pushes when needed.

Pushing

I started to feel him crowning and reached down and felt his head come out. The crowning did not hurt nearly as bad as it did with Chloe, I think due to the water which was a nice benefit I didn’t expect! I very calmly told Ryan, “his head is out,” but Ryan thought I was asking if his head was out and tried to lean down to see. When he told me, “I don’t know hon, I can’t see” I calmly corrected him and said, “no, I’m telling you, his head is out.” I was touching his face and rubbing his head and ran my fingers around his neck to see if there was a nuchal cord, there wasn’t. It was an amazing feeling to feel his features before he was born!



At this point, I took a small break to catch my breath and mentally prepare to push his shoulders out. The next contraction came and I pushed and waited for his shoulders to release. I reached under his arms, turned my body to the sitting position (I had been on my knees with my upper body leaning into the side of the birth pool) and pulled my beautiful son onto my chest.

Exhausted, but so in love!

Once he was out and in my arms, Ryan grabbed a warm towel out of the dryer and Austen gave one solid cry. Then he just looked at me as I stared at him, he was so calm and alert and was just perfect! He looked just like Chloe, which was a huge surprise because according to one of our sonogram pictures, I was expecting a Tucker clone. I looked at Ryan and Jill and through emotional tears I said, “I did it!”



Austen Grey McMillen was born into my arms on January 23rd, 2012 at 8:03 pm, just a few hours after my first contraction. The labor was fast, it was intense, it was calm, it was everything I had dreamed it would be. He was born during the first verse of Amazing Grace, which happens to be my favorite hymn and the initials of his name. Poetic, don’t you think?

Austen's Story Part II: You're Gonna Do What?!

The first person I talked to about having an unassisted birth, of course, was Ryan. I asked him what he thought of the idea, trying to feel out if he was going to be supportive of my increasingly hippie ways. He was the one, afterall, that pointed out that we “could have totally done that by ourselves” after Chloe’s birth. He was immediately on board…or so I thought.


After getting his initial support, several weeks later I found out there was a miscommunication. He was under the impression we would be having a midwife attend the birth. When I clarified what an unassisted birth was, he was suddenly unsure and uncomfortable with the idea. He asked me to hire a doula at the very least (and I reminded him that he is a trained EMT). As much as I wanted to make him comfortable with an unassisted birth, I was uncomfortable with inviting someone I did not know to participate in my birth experience. Each of my previous birth experiences taught me that I am the type of person that needs to be left alone during labor and not have anyone unfamiliar around me. During Tucker and Chloe’s labors, any time a change was introduced or a new person came in, my labor would slow and stall out. I knew if I kept the number of people to a bare minimum, the easier and faster my labor and birth experience would be. If I was going to do this, it was going to have to be my way, and that meant just Ryan and my sister, Jill, who was going to come and take pictures for me.


I also ‘fessed up to my Mom. I had asked her to check out some library books for me (she is a library addict and goes weekly) and with my requested titles, it was obvious what I was up to. She was also supportive but as my due date got closer, she expressed concern. I could understand where my parents were coming from. Not only were they concerned about me and my health, but they were also considering how I would cope if, God forbid, things went wrong and there was a bad outcome for the baby. I reassured her as much as I could; I emphasized that I was prepared and willing to go to the hospital at the first sign of trouble or even if I had a gut feeling that I needed to go in at the onset of labor. I was not trying to prove any kind of point by birthing this way and of course a healthy outcome was of utmost importance to me.


The few friends I divulged my secret to were 100% supportive, which was so awesome! It was nice to have some people I could talk to, as the original plan was to never publicly discuss this. I knew if I did, I would be opening myself up to a crap storm of criticism and judgment, and really, who wants to deal with that? Certainly not me! So, why then, am I blogging about it? Well, mostly because we live in the day of social media, coupled with the fact that I live in a small town. I was “outed” on Facebook before I knew it and word spread like wildfire. I figured if I was going to be talked about (and I was), I might as well tell it from my perspective.

Austen's Story Part I: Answered Prayers

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway.”

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Okay, here’s the thing; I have received a lot of different reactions from people when they find out I had Austen at home, unassisted (meaning without any medical professionals). People are shocked, quite possibly horrified, and very curious. I thought I would write a post explaining how and why I came to this decision. I do want to preface this by saying that I made this decision as an informed, educated “birth junkie” and the decision was soley mine and I was willing to own the outcome. I believe that in the majority of cases, birth is safe, especially when not interfered with by the medical community (in other words every intervention opens the door to a possible complication that then needs to be managed). I view pregnancy, labor and birth as an honor and miracle rather than an inconvenience or disease.



For those of you who think I am off my rocker for having an unassisted birth, I understand where you are coming from. When I first encountered someone who was planning an unassisted birth, I thought she was nuts, not to mention playing Russian Roulette with her and her baby’s lives. Add to that, I have been a huge natural birth advocate since college so I can only imagine the reactions of those of you who do not share that passion! That’s the great thing about growing as a person….you get to learn from others and educate yourself and you hold the power to change your philosophy and mind, and possibly even your life. That is one of the biggest blessings I’ve had since becoming a mother; many of the things I originally scoffed at have been the things I have come to love and accept. I feel very differently about many things in the four years since becoming a mother and I am so grateful for the changes I’ve seen in myself. I used to describe myself as a stubborn person who only saw things in black and white with absolutely no room for grey. Today, although still very much stubborn, I am a much more positive and open-minded person and I am happier because of it. Grey is good.



So, how did I go from planning a birth attended by an obstetrician in a birth center to deciding to take the road less traveled and give birth at home with just Ryan and my sister present? Well, let’s just start at the beginning.



I found out I was pregnant with our third baby just a couple of weeks before my 33^rd birthday. This pregnancy was not planned and I was extremely surprised to see the line appear on the pregnancy test. Our previous pregnancy had ended in miscarriage so I was quick to call my obstetrician’s office the next day to set up my first prenatal appointment. My first appointment was in early June and I was relieved and excited to see the flickering heartbeat on the ultrasound I received that day.



Early pregnancy was easy on me, I had about 2 weeks of mild nausea as my only symptom. I had to constantly remind myself I was creating a life, I felt so good I actually worried if the pregnancy was progressing normally. Around September, I started to have a nagging feeling about my upcoming labor and delivery. I couldn’t pinpoint what I was uneasy about, but it was a feeling I just couldn’t shake and the anxious feelings I had needed to be addressed before they negatively impacted me and my baby. I had a great birth experience with my doctor when I had Chloe, I fully trust him and I know he respects birth and my decisions regarding how I want things to go. But something was telling me that delivering at the BirthCare Center was not what I was supposed to do for this birth. I considered switching my care to a midwife but that didn’t feel like the right fit either.

“The Will of God will not take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.”

One night I prayed before bed about what I should do and asked God to show me what His plan was for me. That night I had a dream that I had the baby at home with only Ryan present. I woke up feeling more peaceful than I had felt in weeks! I truly believe this was my answer from God and who was I to argue with that? I am not sure I’ve ever had such a clear answer from Him before and I was not about to question it. I started making my plans to have an unassisted birth at home, which involved a lot of research, reading, and preparation.



In my third trimester, I ended up being diagnosed with borderline gestational diabetes. My fasting numbers were a little bit high, in pregnancy the goal is to have the fasting number 90 or less and I was routinely in the mid-90s in the mornings. My after meal numbers were always on target at less than 120 two hours after eating, so I honestly wasn’t very concerned about it. In fact, my doctor even said that I could still deliver at the BirthCare Center because my numbers weren’t bad at all; if I had required insulin he would have had me deliver at the hospital because it would have classified me as high risk. The diagnosis didn’t shake me, I still planned on delivering at home, but it was nice to know that if I did decide to go in, I could go where I delivered Tucker and Chloe and not be forced to go to the hospital.



The last part of my pregnancy did not go as swimmingly as the first part. I started to become very physically uncomfortable toward the end battling sciatica and terrible pubic symphysis pain. There were days that just moving my legs was excruciating for me. Because of that, I stopped working in early January, which was much earlier than I had planned. I had somehow convinced myself that I would have the baby early, but he was determined to prove me wrong! Stubborn, just like his Mama!



January held many days of prodromal labor, more commonly known as “false” labor where the contractions are painful but they never lead to an active labor pattern. I would have hours of intense, regular contractions only to have them peter out eventually, leaving me disappointed and tired. I even had one night in particular that brought with it a constant contraction that lasted four hours without letting up! I tried everything I could to get it to go away; I took a bath, I walked around, I laid down, I drank water. I considered drinking some wine but decided against it. It finally went away around 5am, just in time to get a couple of hours of sleep before the kids woke up.



As my due date approached, I started to get more and more impatient and more and more depressed that the baby hadn’t come yet. I was receiving many texts, phone calls and messages asking me where the baby was, which only made me focus on the fact that he wasn’t here yet. At my 39 week appointment, my doctor asked me if I would like him to sweep my membranes (gently separate the amniotic sac from the cervix, which can help labor begin). Wanting to fully trust God’s plan for the pregnancy and birth, I decided against it. I knew that the baby would come when he was ready and I needed to trust my body and my baby for the perfect timing, despite how impatient I was getting. This, afterall, was not about ME.



At my 40 week appointment, I was 3 centimeters dilated, 70% effaced and a -1 station. My doctor told me he predicted I would go into labor anytime in the next two days. Then he told me that if I didn’t have the baby by Friday afternoon, I would have a different doctor delivering me because he was going on a medical missions trip for the next two weeks. Is that what God was telling me months ago when I couldn’t figure out why I felt so unsettled? Was it because my trusted doctor would not be the one attending my birth and I would be left to the doctor on call for their practice, who may or may not be respectful of my wishes? I had always maintained that if at any point before or during labor I felt it was necessary to go to the birth center, I would not hesitate to do so, but when I heard that my doctor would not be attending, I was further determined to have my baby at home.