Let It Shine or Let It Go?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. " 

- Marianne Williamson

I had a friend on Facebook post the above quote today and something about it really resonated with me.  


Since moving to our new town almost a year ago, I have found myself "shrinking" my personality down in order to make friends.  Now, don't get me wrong...I am definitely not an extrovert pretending to be an introvert.  I am, and will always be an introvert.  But I have found myself staying quiet during conversations that involve things I'm passionate about (pregnancy, labor, childbirth, breastfeeding, childhood nutrition, etc).  Conversations that if I was having them with friends or family, I would be very animated and outspoken, yet among strangers I remain silent.  I hate that feeling.  I hate walking away from something with the feeling that if I just would have spoken up, I could have helped someone think outside the box. 


I am so afraid of stepping on toes that I am not being my authentic self.  What is the right balance?  Or is there a right balance as long as what you speak is your truth and if people don't like it, they don't have to?  I am really struggling with this because I feel like on some level I have to choose one or the other.  


I am still having a lot of negative self talk regarding my whole "Turd in the Punchbowl" post.  I still think about it every day and if I let it, it can still make me cry. I bared my soul with my birth post, shared a very intimate experience with my readers and I was attacked on a personal level because of it.  I really do feel like a huge bucket of water was thrown on my flame and I guess I'm trying to figure out if the flame can be reignited. 

Breaking the Girl

As any mom knows, once you cross that threshold of becoming a mom, you never really, truly get any time to yourself.  This includes trips to the toilet and showering. 

Especially trips to the toilet and showering.

I generally shower at night in order to afford myself a nice long shower without interruptions but today I decided to take a mid-morning shower since it was the weekend and Ryan was available to oversee the childhood shenanigans. 

Not only did I want to take a shower that would last more than five minutes, I wanted the door to be shut so I could get the bathroom nice and hot, (as my usual day shower is spent with the door wide open and me sticking my sudsy head out repeatedly checking for baby cries) I also wanted the door to be locked so I, for once, didn't have little heads popping into the curtain or little ones' poops distracting from my buttercream scented bodywash . 

No sooner than I had started the hot water, undressed and was ready to get in, there was a knock on the door.  I answered and it was Chloe, needing to potty.  I was irritated, as it seems that without fail, as soon as my shower water is started, it imparts a laxative effect on one or both of the older kids' colons and my showers are spent having deep conversations while the kids pinch a loaf.  I was, admittedly, a little snippish with her, helped her potty and then scooted her booty out the door, locking it behind her. 

I took my shower and got out about 15 minutes later.  When I was combing my hair, Chloe came up to me and told me I hurt her feelings.  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I brushed it off, clipped a barrette in her hair and we went about our day. 

Later in the day, we were driving in the car and Ryan told me what happened while I was in the shower. 

He found Chloe in her closet, in the dark.  She was sobbing.  I had hurt her feelings by being short with her and locking her out of the bathroom.  My heart broke into a million pieces!  My poor, sweet baby girl!  Something I didn't even recall had completely crushed her!  I felt like a piece of crap, to say the very least! 

I tried making it up to her later with extra hugs and affection but I feel like it is too late.  She was sobbing in the dark in her closet because of ME and my selfishness of wanting to be alone.  I have never claimed to be a perfect parent, a perfect parent does not even exist, it's not even in the realm of possibilities.  But I do try and today I failed.  Miserably.  :(