2013

Happy New Year! 

I know that this blog has become quiet but according to my stats toolbar, people are still peeking in on me!  There are many post topics that I have rolling around in my head and I am hoping to share some of those soon. 

I have been struggling with finding my voice in the blogging world.  I have so much to say, mostly about childhood nutrition, but I struggle because I don't want to come across as preachy or know-it-all and with written word, sometimes tone and intention is lost. 

So, I guess consider this my disclaimer for future posts.  I will blog about what I am passionate about, but please realize that it comes from a place of wanting to help and wanting to spread the word about different topics.  Some of the topics I intend to talk about this year range from food dyes, food sensitivity testing, routine infant circumcision, and probably plenty "I wish I would have known then" posts. 

Interspersed in my ramblings, I intend to also include plenty of pictures and stories about The Clones.  Ryan got me an awesome new camera for Christmas, and even though I have no idea how to work it yet, I am loving having better quality pictures to share!  I am on the lookout for some basic photography classes so I can hopefully develop a new hobby! 

Other things that will happen this year that I am excited (and scared) for:  my 35th birthday in May (WHAT!?), the fact that I verbally committed to completing The Warrior Dash in June with my friend Becky (OMG!), I joined the YMCA and plan to start working out regularly again, which I have not done since, oh, about 1998 (yes, 1998).  2013:  Bring it, I'm ready!

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes,
I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see,
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my daughter's eyes

(lyrics from In My Daughter's Eyes by Martina McBride)

It is hard to believe my baby girl will be three years old tomorrow.  It seems like yesterday I was beginning labor with her, soaking up the last moments I had with just Tucker and preparing to journey through one of the most defining experiences of my life.  Her birth was life changing for me, on so many levels.

I love this girl with all that I have.

Before I was a parent, I would hear people describe their children as having their hearts walk around outside their bodies.  There were many things I didn't quite understand about a parent's love before I became one, but describing her as having my heart walking around outside of my body is exactly what it feels like.  I love her so much it hurts.  Just thinking of her beauty, internal and external, makes me well up with tears.  All of my children are amazing, but there is a difference between loving a son and loving a daughter.  It's not something I'm capable of putting into words because one is not more or less than another, it is just different. 

I see her future and how much of an impact she will have on our lives, how much of an impact she will have on this world.  I want her to chase her dreams without fear, I want her to be happy, I want her to be kind, I want her to love and be loved, I want her to be passionate about something, I want her to foster the parts of her personality that scare the living daylights out of me, I want her to maintain her creativity despite society steering her in an academic direction.  I want her to know how much, and how deeply I love her.  She is my world.

So, who is Chloe Noelle at the ripe age of THREE? 
She is 25 pounds of pure sweetness but don't let her fool you!  She has been nicknamed Drama for a reason!  Her other nicknames are Co, Coco, Puff, Puffers, Booger, and Josie Grossie.   She is very independent and is often playing by herself and engaging in imaginative play where she gives her toys funny little voices.  She is very girly but she also loves getting dirty (see nickname Josie Grossie).  She still uses a "W" sound for her "L" sound, I just wuv it when she wants to sit on my wap, or when she tells me something is wellow.  She is cuddly with me but not really anyone else and I secretly like it when she climbs in bed with me at night.  She loves to watch me put makeup on and likes it when I (pretend) give her some too.  She is obsessed with lotion (wotion!) and lippies (wippies!) aka lipgloss.  She absolutely loves being a big sister to Austen and will correct you if you happen to call him Bubba in her presence. 

Rainbow Baby

Austen turns six months old today!  He is 14.8 pounds...not up much from his 11+ pounds at birth!  He has two bottom teeth, is sitting up and army crawling.  He had his first taste of food tonight with an organic avocado.  He was not a fan and has a great gag reflex!  :)  He is such pure joy!  He is my Rainbow Baby (see definition below) and I love him so very much!




Rainbow Baby:  typically referring to a baby born after the loss of a previous pregnancy or the death of a child. Rainbow Babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

Toofy!

Austen got his first tooth today on the bottom right!  He was only mildly fussy, nothing a few Hyland's Teething Tablets couldn't help!  I sure do hope he continues to be a good teether like Chloe was, Tucker always, always spiked huge fevers when he would get teeth and it was not fun at all!

Here Comes the Sun

It is soooo hot this week!!!!  It is supposed to be over 100 every day this week, ugh!  I am NOT a hot weather girl, I much prefer spring and fall but I am very thankful I am not pregnant this summer (sorry, Jill!)!  I feel for all the pregnant mommas this time of year! 

I am slowly getting out of my funk.  I think a lot of my mood change is due to finally reading Kelle Hampton's book, Bloom.  Gosh, I love that lady and her blog.  I admit, I used to rely on negativity and sarcasm as my way of life but have really turned that around since becoming a mom and Kelle's blog has been a huge part of my more positive outlook.  It takes effort to find the positive in things, especially when you feel like you can't catch a break, but the positive is there if you are willing to open your eyes and find it.  And with that, I am moving forward with my chin up and a smile on my face! 

And to kick off my new attitude, let's do a catch up of my beautiful children!

Capturing his beautiful auburn hair before his summer buzz cut

 Tucker has really been developing his imagination lately.  He loves for me to "announce" him and describe the obstacle course of his choosing as if we are doing a play-by-play sporting event.  He loves riding his bike, collecting (and accidentally killing) bugs of all kinds, is slightly obsessed with Spiderman, and loves to go to Grammie and Papa's house.  He has started to have some more food issues in addition to the intolerance to food dyes.  I am feeling hopeful of the track I'm on with identifying his triggers though and look forward to the day that we are done with them! 

My kitty girl

 Chloe continues to be full of sass and sweetness.  She loves to play Mommy and Baby.  She loves to be held and will look up at me with her big brown eyes and designate me as the Mommy <insert any animal you can think of here> and she is the Baby.  As evidenced by her picture, she asks to be a kitty almost every day and she wants a kitty birthday party this year.  Lest I forget, she puked in the peanut bucket at my birthday celebration at Texas Roadhouse last month!  I really need to be better about writing about all of their funny stories because I know I am forgetting soooo much!  She is a September 2nd baby so she misses the preschool start date by one day.  They said I could go ahead and start her if I wanted but I decided not to.  I don't want all of her friends to move on to kindergarten in a couple years when she would be left behind.  It seems much more kind to start her with the class she will graduate with even though she will be one of the oldest in her class.

Mr. Bright Eyes

Sweet Austen is just that, sweet as can be!  He is just happy as a clam and has the most intoxicating smile!  I actually get butterflies in my tummy when he smiles at me sometimes!  He is rolling over both ways and is starting to put his knees underneath him.  He is not quite ready to sit on his own yet but I don't think it will be much longer.  He is also about to get his first tooth, I can feel it under his gums.  Tucker and Chloe love him so much and they are so great with him!  He laughs easily and has the biggest blue eyes, just like his Daddy!   I so hope he keeps them!  He has really thinned out and I think he's around 15 pounds, wearing 3-6 & 6-9 month clothes. 

Let It Shine or Let It Go?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. " 

- Marianne Williamson

I had a friend on Facebook post the above quote today and something about it really resonated with me.  


Since moving to our new town almost a year ago, I have found myself "shrinking" my personality down in order to make friends.  Now, don't get me wrong...I am definitely not an extrovert pretending to be an introvert.  I am, and will always be an introvert.  But I have found myself staying quiet during conversations that involve things I'm passionate about (pregnancy, labor, childbirth, breastfeeding, childhood nutrition, etc).  Conversations that if I was having them with friends or family, I would be very animated and outspoken, yet among strangers I remain silent.  I hate that feeling.  I hate walking away from something with the feeling that if I just would have spoken up, I could have helped someone think outside the box. 


I am so afraid of stepping on toes that I am not being my authentic self.  What is the right balance?  Or is there a right balance as long as what you speak is your truth and if people don't like it, they don't have to?  I am really struggling with this because I feel like on some level I have to choose one or the other.  


I am still having a lot of negative self talk regarding my whole "Turd in the Punchbowl" post.  I still think about it every day and if I let it, it can still make me cry. I bared my soul with my birth post, shared a very intimate experience with my readers and I was attacked on a personal level because of it.  I really do feel like a huge bucket of water was thrown on my flame and I guess I'm trying to figure out if the flame can be reignited. 

Breaking the Girl

As any mom knows, once you cross that threshold of becoming a mom, you never really, truly get any time to yourself.  This includes trips to the toilet and showering. 

Especially trips to the toilet and showering.

I generally shower at night in order to afford myself a nice long shower without interruptions but today I decided to take a mid-morning shower since it was the weekend and Ryan was available to oversee the childhood shenanigans. 

Not only did I want to take a shower that would last more than five minutes, I wanted the door to be shut so I could get the bathroom nice and hot, (as my usual day shower is spent with the door wide open and me sticking my sudsy head out repeatedly checking for baby cries) I also wanted the door to be locked so I, for once, didn't have little heads popping into the curtain or little ones' poops distracting from my buttercream scented bodywash . 

No sooner than I had started the hot water, undressed and was ready to get in, there was a knock on the door.  I answered and it was Chloe, needing to potty.  I was irritated, as it seems that without fail, as soon as my shower water is started, it imparts a laxative effect on one or both of the older kids' colons and my showers are spent having deep conversations while the kids pinch a loaf.  I was, admittedly, a little snippish with her, helped her potty and then scooted her booty out the door, locking it behind her. 

I took my shower and got out about 15 minutes later.  When I was combing my hair, Chloe came up to me and told me I hurt her feelings.  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I brushed it off, clipped a barrette in her hair and we went about our day. 

Later in the day, we were driving in the car and Ryan told me what happened while I was in the shower. 

He found Chloe in her closet, in the dark.  She was sobbing.  I had hurt her feelings by being short with her and locking her out of the bathroom.  My heart broke into a million pieces!  My poor, sweet baby girl!  Something I didn't even recall had completely crushed her!  I felt like a piece of crap, to say the very least! 

I tried making it up to her later with extra hugs and affection but I feel like it is too late.  She was sobbing in the dark in her closet because of ME and my selfishness of wanting to be alone.  I have never claimed to be a perfect parent, a perfect parent does not even exist, it's not even in the realm of possibilities.  But I do try and today I failed.  Miserably.  :(